Our experience. 

A long long time ago, in a place far far away I was a corporate sales guy, in the pursuit of the American dream, making more money than I had ever imagined. I was making 6 figures by the time I was 25. But no matter how much money I made, no matter how many women I seduced, it was never enough. 

My days were filled with dread, stress and fear. Every sunday night I felt the dread come on as the work week loomed ahead. But my common sense set the alarm and I got on the freeway at a reasonable time, to beat rush hour traffic. 

At work I had a severe case of imposter syndrome. I was constantly second guessing myself, thinking this is the day that I mess up in a major way, I am found out as a fraud and I get fired. My disaster thinking would then have me end up on skid row.

On the weekends I binged on partying, drinking, sport games and all the ways that I could get the thrill of living, that made me feel that the work grind was worth it. But here, fear also permeated my life. My interactions with women had the same background program, second guessing myself, telling me that I was not good enough, not successful enough, not charming enough, not enough. A part of me was braced, always ready, when I was found out and they left me. Then my disaster thinking had me back on skid row all alone. 

All this fear drove me harder at work. I believed in the promise of the American Dream, that if I made more money, that if I was more successful then I would be enough, then I would be loved and feel safe.  But no matter how many deals I closed, how many bonuses and paychecks I got, it was never enough, a profound emptiness gnawed inside of me. 

The reality was that I was quite good. I was offered a huge promotion which would exponentially accelerate my material success. 

On the drive home all these fears and dark emotions came together in an almost paralyzing strom. 

Somehow I managed to get to my apartment, and as I went into my bedroom instead of celebrating I crumbled onto my bedroom floor in agony. It felt as if my spine, my back bone had been taken out of me. I collapsed. 

I was then given a dark night of the ego.

I was first made aware of where my wealth and success came from. 

Earlier in the month I had watched a democracy now report where they shared the rare earth minerals that make our computers, phones, electronics and the  sensors that I sold possible. The vast majority of these minerals come from central Africa, countries still ruled by tyrannical and violent men, that rape women, enslave children and men and descrate the earth for their profit and our benefit. 

I felt how my wealth would be extracted on their pain, literally. It felt as if I had drunk hydrochloric acid and had it poured over my skin.I was crying and writhing in agony, and when I thought I could not take any more, the pain suddenly stopped. A voice spoke, asking me what it was all for. 

As I pondered the storm of dark emotions came back and I revisited critical moments in my life when I faced the choice between following my truth or doing what was expected, being reasonable, following the path to success. 

Pretty much every single time I had obeyed and followed common sense. I felt fear in all those moments. I felt my body cringing, protecting itself, thinking I would be punished, abandoned, made a fool, if I followed my truth. In those moments I obeyed my fear ignoring my truth. I felt the pain and the erosion of my soul in each of those choices. It felt like claws from a beast digging at my insides. 

I started writhing in agony again. 

And just when I thought I could not endure anymore. The pain stopped and the voice came back and said know that you know, what are you going to do?

I had no idea. But what I did know is that I could not go on living the way I was.  

The next morning I handed in my resignation. 

What I wanted was to feel at peace, to stop the fear, to end the emptiness inside of me. I wanted to know that I was enough and that I had enough, to feel safe, to feel that I belonged. I had clearly seen that the pursuit of material success did not work. I felt in my bones that all my answers were within. That my work was to connect to that voice and follow it.

So I committed myself to the direction of this voice. The aim was to find out who the hell I was, what I wanted to do with my one precious life and to find the root cause of our planetary and personal challenges and hopefully craft some medicine.

And so began my journey, guided by my soul and my thousand desires. 

I traveled across Europe with my mother with an agency that specialized in down home experiences. We would eat with a family or in a family restaurant. I witnessed that no matter what country, language or culture, most of our needs were met by living in community, being seen, accepted and appreciated by those around us, eating good food, singing songs, dancing and sharing stories. The community that we all hunger for, which provides for most of our needs. I found the power of community. 

But first I had to find out who the hell I was and what to do with my one precious life. I thought if there is one place I will find my answers it's NYC. When I landed at the airport, the voice spoke again and gave direction, “love.” I cringed, because I had loved my corporate life, money, ladies, beaches, until the dark night. I felt I could not trust myself, so I responded with doubt, love? The voice snarled back, threatening the agony again. I was like okay love. 

I returned to one of the first things that I loved, physical training. I experienced transcendental moments, when body, breath, and nature would melt into an all encompassing bliss, that runners high. I had also experienced that physical growth is analogous to emotional, mental and spiritual growth. Find your limits, exceed them by a little bit, rest, recover and repeat. 

I believed that if I taught people the process of growth, then they could break free of their limiting beliefs and follow their truth more deeply. So I became an indoor cycling instructor, but what I experienced is that only about 15-20% of the population have the muscle to go beyond what they think is possible.  

I knew that the constraint was in the mind, so I moved to an ashram, to study yoga, vedanta philosophy, meditation, mantra and to practice communion with the Beloved.  

Here I was introduced to the world view held by the indigenous and mystical traditions. A world view that knows that underneath all apparent dualities, all form and matter there is a unifying force that animates all of creation. This force is beyond name or description. But she has been called by many names, the Tao, Source, the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit, and my favorite is the Beloved or the Great Mother. And so began my love affair, my devotion to be of service to Great Mother. 

Here I also found the root cause of our global and personal problems. I discovered that disease has been known and diagnosed throughout time. The east calls it avidiya, the belief that we are these separate individuals, insert your name, your self-identity, your ego, living in a hostile and threatening world where we have to fight and compete against each other in order to survive and succeed. What they call our fundamental ignorance of reality. 

The indigenous of turtle island called the disease the wetiko, to describe the plague of colonialism. A cannibalistic mind set that consumed their brothers and sisters, the buffalo, the salmon and exterminated most of the indigenous population, for the benefit of the very few. A mind set that has mutated into our modern consumerism, the American Dream and capitalism. 

The challenge is that this cannibalistic, consumer, transactional mind set lives inside of us, deep in our unconscious. I still have it. They prescribed the practice of mediation, mindfulness and metabolization to heal the disease and get sober to reality. That we live in an interdependent and interconnected Field of consciousness that is receptive and responsive to our inner state. A world view that is being verified by our modern science, we live in a holographic world that mirrors and reflects our inner world. 

I found the answer that I was looking for: to change the outer world and to make whatever change I desire I needed to change within. I made some progress with the theory and its integration but one day I felt the billions of people that are living under the tyranny of poverty, struggling to make ends meet. I thought of my mother, who lived paycheck to paycheck, and me telling her to mediate and all your problems will go away. She would probably throw me a schankla, the Mexican version of slapping me upside the head and telling me to get a job. 

So I did. I felt that I needed to figure out how to feed people and help them meet their basic needs. I became a cowboy in the Sonora desert of Mexico where I got to help regenerate an arid desert, filled with cactus and barren land into a lush savanah creating a resilient bio-diverse eco-system that provided a sustainable and dependable source of food, water and shelter. The effects were striking, I would sit on a hill and see the clear line between the land that was degraded and the land that was tended like the Beloved that she is. 

Another part of the puzzle came in.

I then felt that I needed to know how to fuel our technology without fossil fuels. I moved to London and became an energy broker. I quickly became aware that regenerative energy is more profitable and much better for the environment. 

I then focused on building community. I moved to a farm and ayahuasca retreat center, where I served as a fire keeper and door man for over 100 ayahuasca ceremonies, experiencing the inexorable force of love that is always working for us, this deepened my relationship with the Beloved. I courted her by helping to regenerate the soil, transforming 5 acres that had been the local dump site into an orchard,  tree house, pond, outdoor chapel and adult playground. 

I then moved to a community founded by a visionary artist who paints the interconnected field. I felt that if I could support him to get his work out, then maybe we would understand that we were all in this together. That none of us are free, unless we are all free. Here I served as general manager, volunteer coordinator, carpenter, bathroom cleaner extraordinaire, flower arranger, altar creator and grounds keeper. We built a wisdom trail that had nests, altars and labyrinths for visitors to commune with Nature. 

I was then given the golden opportunity. I became one of the founding members of a regenerative community in Costa Rica. We had the money, the land, the people and the resources. With my engineering background, I was given the keys to drive the enterprise, serving as the project manager and agriculture lead. But I kept getting into arguments with the money guy, which led to a lot of time, energy, money and resources being sabotaged and wasted, and a lot of unnecessary strife and drama.

At one point the money guy had enough. He said it was me or him. He was the brother of the founder, who was my best friend. I was not going to make him choose so I left. 

At first I was very angry and self-righteous, blaming the money guy, not feeling seen nor appreciated for the heroic work I had done. But I integrated my tools and created some space between the intense emotions and myself. 

After some time I was able to see that I was the cause. I became aware of the pattern that had ruled my life. My core wound was that I did not feel loved by my mother. My father provided the success strategy. He trained me to be a champion. I learned that the more pain I endured, the harder that I trained, the stronger I got, the more races I won, the more success I achieved, the more love and attention I got. 

This training was super helpful in my life. It empowered me to reach every goal that I wanted. 

First I wanted material success, because I believed that would bring me the love and attention that I needed, the safety and the sense of belonging I desired. I got a good education, a good job and made the right moves, but it was never enough. 

Then I believed that building community and finding the answer to our global challenges would bring me the love and attention that I sought. But this was not enough, the emptiness inside of me, my wounds and my core belief that I was not lovable was still running the show. Although I meant well, I was still trying to get my mother's love and fathers approval, which led to me projecting my wounds onto my coworkers, turning a brother into my nemesis.
As I became aware of this pattern, I was struck by the practical application of the holographic nature of the universe. This unconscious belief that I was not lovable, drew me into situations where I faced the choice to do things out of love, following my truth or to do things to get love, trying to be the hero.  

I became aware of the power of my unconscious. I thought I was following my truth, serving the Beloved, but I was really trying to be the hero that people would love and appreciate. I realized that I had transferred the outer goal of success and money to trying to be the hippy spiritual hero, trying to be enough.

As the hero I knew what were the best choices. So I would make them without considering others, which was hurtful and eroded trust.  My desire to be loved, to be the hero created the exact opposite result, creating unnecessary pain, disconnection and unnecessary suffering for myself and those around me wasting a lot of time, energy and resources.  

What this taught me is that the greatest constraint in building community, working with others to regenerate soil, to build trust, cultivating lasting relationships and having fun along the way is people’s unprocessed trauma. In particular mine.  

I had been doing the internal work for decades, but I was shown how much more I had to heal and metabolize, so I doubled down on my efforts and returned to the adage the best way to learn is to teach it. So I integrated decades of knowledge and practice into Amor Fati: Riding the Red Dragon. For the last 7 years I have been leading people on this process. 

The process is solid and I now feel that I can share this work to help build a container to build community in a healthy and regenerative manner. 

Along the way my connection to the Great Mother was broken. One of the gifts of this time is that she is communicating with me again. Or more precisely I am listening again. 

As she called me to work with the land she asked me to build an altar to water first. I feel this offering sets the frequency and resonance of the project to begin the process of being in right relation to nature, the elements, our selves, each other, the land and the Great Mother.

I have big dreams and the experience to make it happen. But I have learned the value of small and measurable steps. So I ask for your help in completing this altar to water and regenerating ¼ acre of land.